I feel as if nothing I do makes a forward leap. Ive been out of work for about three weeks. My wonderful fiance has been taking care of me and picking up the physical and mental slack of my non-money acquiring skills at the moment. Yet, as frustrated as I am. Its not as bad as the depression that sets in and feelings of worthlessness. I feel as if all Im doing to my boyfriend, is anchoring him to a potential worse situation. I feel as if Im doing nothing right, and everything seems to be falling apart like domino’s..So fast, so quick are the blocks tumbling back I cant stop the whirlwind of change and after Im sitting in utter despair at the catastrophe before me.
Everyone tells me to get out more. How? Im broke? Everyone tells me to mingle..Yet, when my mans home.. He is on top of me, or watching every move I make. As if Im the one who needs to be watched and paranoid over. I wasn’t the one who tested our relationship with little secrets with him and his phone..Which I caught him on plenty of occasion. However, Im the one untrustworthy? It boggles my mind how someone can be so devious and deceitful, yet point fingers and makes me feel guilty for nothing Ive done but sit here devoted and loyal.
I sometimes wish I had the low morals to lie to someones face. There is seriously wrong with someone who can do that. Who can look you in the eye, and say how much they love and adore you..Yet lied to your face. Did something they know they couldn’t ever handle if you did it. Yet, its always the same bullshit. Its always YOU..and your unwillingness to forgive.
Why do I have to forgive? Why do I have to do anything for your piece of fucking mind?
I aware Im now rambling, and making no such sense. But that’s my whole reason for creating this mess. A place to rant, to scream until my fingers burn from typing furiously with rage and anger I can’t seem to articulate when the situation is happening..But seem to feel a poetic rage that spills from fingertips with ease …. But my voice fails me. I feel as if its sewn shut at times..I have so much to say, but experience and the people around me have taught me much..They talk over me, ignore me, or outright tell me they don’t care whats on my mind.
Yet, when Im silent..I get ostracized and picked on, and needled into speaking when I have no desires. I feel as if Im just a decoration. Someone to fuck when the time arises. When I want some intimacy..Which is rare these days. I don’t even have the same enthusiasm I had before ….But now when it’s had..Is because he’s decided Im worthy. Its a lonely life, when you realize..Your just being kept, and nothing is valued by you..I feel this way. Nothing I do is of value.
Silence, unless it’s something he cares about. He says I get so vibrant, or look so happy around other people. Well, they actually want me to talk. They listen, and don’t tell me to shut up, or pick fights with me about my opinions for no reason..So yes, I am happy as fucking all hell around others. I actually can be fucking ME!
I feel sufocated at times. Like another person unlike myself. I want to be able to laugh, pick jokes and debate without wanting to burst into tears from dismissal, or rejection. I want to feel loved, and not kept when made love too. Not just told to get naked and get in bed..I want some romance, some urgency some passion..Not just him laying in bed, waving his tool. I feel obligated when it’s done this way. One moment, hes ripping my head off, cause he can’t understand a movie plot. Next, he wants to make out and get’s mad when I have no potency or desire to “be loving”. Why is it I always have to conform? Why can’t I feel precious an loved and wanted for once?
I feel so lost lately. I don’t know what life has for me anymore…..